Jokes thread

[TerryG]

You think English is easy??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, when the stars are out, they are visible but when the lights are out, they are invisible and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? All English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

[Luxobarge]

^^^All good stuff^^^

That's what makes our language so rich and interesting. It's important to get it right though, take Capitalisation for example:

Capitalisation is important, after all it's the difference between helping your uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[TerryG]

[Mitsuru]

Today I was beaten up by a woman...I was going down in an elevator when this busty lady got in.

I was staring at her boobs, when she said:

"Would You Please Press 1?"

So I did. I don't remember much afterwards..

[Mitsuru]

Santa Claus goes to the doctor, says' I think I have a mince pie up my bum'
Doctor says ' let me look, hmm yes I can see it, don't worry Santa I have some cream for that'

[Mitsuru]

A scouser visits his mate in Manchester, they are walking down the high street when the scouser says to his mate, 'just watch this'
He walks into Greggs steals two pasties and walks out to his mate outside and askes him 'what do you recon to that'
His Manchester mate states, 'that's nothing, just watch this'
He walks into Greggs asks for the manager then askes if he wants to see a magic trick?
He then eats two pasties and requests the manager look in the pockets of his mate outside.

[Luxobarge]

This one is rather too near a scenario I recognise ………



Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the snug. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Darling, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Sweetheart, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Darling, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

His wife says:

'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!'

[Minxy]

........made me laugh because of something that really happened the other night with my 86 years mother.

Long story short, my mother has had some health issues of late and after the last episode the hospital arranged for a carer type company to come to her house to see what help she might need,I was there to act as support for her. So there we were in her front room with the lady from the carer company filling out a questionnaire,
Lady ' How's your hearing Mrs Parker'
Mother ' pardon'
Lady (at volume) 'how's your hearing'
Mother to me ' how's my what?'
Me to mother (at volume) 'your hearing'
Mother to lady 'Oh my hearing, that's fine'
I smile at lady and lady smiles at me,
Lady with a smile ' we will re- access another time.

..........there by the grace of God go us all........or so my wife tells me

[tractorman]

That reminds me of my late mother. The Mental Health type nurse was doing the Alzheimer's tests:

"Do you know what the date is?"

Mother picked up the wrong newspaper and gave her the previous day's date!

The nurse wasn't surprised and put "same as last visit" on her notes!

[Phil P]

I remember asking asking a girl into my office to give her the results of her tests.
I asked to sit down and then remove her jumper and bra. I said "I think I need to give you another examination.
First I slowly examined her right breast and nipple. Then her left breast and nipple. Then I gently lifted them both and compaired them.

I looked her in the eyes and said, "I'm afraid it's not good news Joanne."

She looked up at me with a tear in the corner of each eye, "How bad is it?"

I said, "I'm sorry but you've only got a D in algebra."