Jokes thread

[Mitsuru]

An allegedly true story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathaliser test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'

[UKJeeper]

Minions of Anarchy.jpg (116.91 KiB) Viewed 1797 times

[Luxobarge]

Australian Telephone Operator: "G'day mate, Helpline here. What's the problem?"

Caller: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a
hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"

Caller: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.

[Mitsuru]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

[JPB]

Hotel room... Jim Morrisson in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked. Gillian Taylforth walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrisson and begins to play the pink oboe.
She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.
When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts "Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

[UKJeeper]

Guy goes to a Halloween party. His costume is a girl riding piggy-back on his back. His buddy asks him, "What are you supposed to be?" He says, "I'm a turtle." Buddy says, "What? How does having a girl on your back make you a turtle?" Guy says, "Hey, that's not just any girl. That's Michelle."

[Mitsuru]

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[Minxy]

The website 'Love Food Hate Waste' advises that limp biscuits can be revived by putting them in the oven on a low heat for a few minutes.

Given the price of gas nowadays, it'd be cheaper to just buy another packet of biscuits.

[Minxy]

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.

"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

[Minxy]

The OAP next door to me has just discovered planking! He's been lying face down on his lawn for 3hrs now, AND it's raining! What a legend.