Jokes thread

[Minxy]

[Ian]

[TerryG]

I recently came across a lad that didn't know the difference between Net & Gross.
I dunno what the confusion is. Net = Something you catch fish with, Gross = Wiping your arse with your bare hand.

[JPB]

The difference between a vitamin and a hormone is that you can't make a vitamin using only your tongue.

[zipgun]

An Irishman goes to get a construction job. The Foreman really didn't want to hire him so he says he won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” The Irishman says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9″.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. He really doesn't want to hire ol' Paddy and he says “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. “Ere ye go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”

[Luxobarge]

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
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"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

[Martin Evans]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by Westminster .'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' said the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.

Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

[tractorman]

True story:

A friend's daughter answered a knock at the door. "

We are Jehovah's Witnesses"

"Oh f***, what's the silly bu**er done now?!"

[UKJeeper]

There are these two little old ladies at a retirement home and one day when they’re outside for a smoke it starts to rain.

The first one pulls out a condom and slips it over her cigarette and keeps on smoking.

Lady 2: “What’s that?”

Lady 1: “A condom”

Lady 2: “Where’d you get it?”

Lady 1: “At the petrol station over there.”

So the second lady heads over to the petrol station and walks up to the clerk. “I’d like to buy a condom,” she says.

The clerk thinks it’s a little strange, but with Viagra and all out there it isn't entirely unheard of “What size do you need to buy?”

The old lady looks at him and says “I really don’t care, just as long as it’s big enough to fit a camel.”

The clerk faints...

[UKJeeper]

"Jesus loves you."

Nice when you hear it in church.

Not so good to hear in a Mexican prison.