Jokes thread

[Ian]

My mate was going to go to the fancy dress, wearing a costume which looked like a small Island off the coast of Italy, I told him not to be s' silly

I went to the fancy dress wearing the bottom half of a wasp outfit, seriously I was the bees knees

[Ian]

Bought the wife some cutlery with the knives and spoons missing, well, its the fork that counts

[tractorman]

A priest and a vicar were talking in the street and the vicar said that someone had stolen his bike. The priest said "When my bike was stolen, I wrote a sermon that started with the ten commandments. When I got to "thou shalt not steal", I paused and looked round the congregation to see if anyone looked a bit embarrassed and fidgity."

A couple of weeks later, they met again.

"Did you try the ten commandments and look around at "thou shalt not steal"?" asked the priest.

"Well, yes" said the Vicar, "but I only got to "thou shalt not commit adultery" and I remembered where I left it.

[Ian]

It was really hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey but I turned myself around and that's what it's all about

[Luxobarge]

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:
Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.




BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester




BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm

Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?




LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:
France.

Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.

Contestant:
Paris.




THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:
The Conservative Party.




BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?




UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:
Goosey?




GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.




PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)

Phil:
What's 11 squared?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:
Is it five?




RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:
Forrest Gump.




RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:
Er. ... ...

Richard:
He makes bread .. . ..

Contestant:
Er .. ......

Richard:
He makes cakes .. . ..

Contestant:
Kipling Street?





LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:
Barcelona.

Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ...




NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific.




ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?




THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:
Magna Carta?




JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?




CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:
Japan.

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?



PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.




DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:
Holland?

Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:
No.




PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:
Er... .... ...

Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant:
Blimey?

Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..

Contestant:
(Silence)

Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant:
Walked?




THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:
Nostalgia.




STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:
Jesus.

[Phil P]

We had a roll of bubble wrap delivered yesterday. The boss said pop it in the corner. It took me all afternoon.

[Luxobarge]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominos."

[Luxobarge]

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

[Minxy]

Lucozade and Ribena sold for £1.35bn.

The manager of WHSmiths at Banbury Services, M40 junction 11 has declined to comment.

[Minxy]

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer she's "hot" and "sexy"..

When I do it apparently I'm "drunk" and "banned from B&Q".