Jokes thread

[Minxy]

I'm quite sore after last night's curry. I told my wife and she said 'ring sting?'. Anyway, I called him. He wasn't remotely interested.

[Minxy]

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks
his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them,
and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

[Ian]

The inflatable boy ran wild in his inflatable school with a pin puncturing the inflatable classrooms and his fellow inflatable students and teachers. The headmaster called him into the office and told him 'I'm very disappointed in you, you have let your friends down, you have let the school down and you have let me down'

[Luxobarge]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Ian]

My sister was raped last week. She didn't realise that she had been raped, not until the cheque bounced

[Willy Eckerslyke]

A skeleton went into a bar and asked for a pint of beer and a mop.

[tractorman]

My sister (ex Army nurse) used to go out with a lad from the SAS. It didn't last long as he was trained to be in and out before anyone noticed.

[Ian]

Two ships carrying paint have collided in the North sea. The first ship was carrying red paint and the second was carrying blue paint. All the sailors were marooned

[Ian]

My little boy was sent home from school the other day for using the C word in the classroom. I said to him, "that wasn't clever was it?" He said, "No daddy it was c***"

[Luxobarge]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied ,

"I am in the loo. Please advise."