Jokes thread

[Luxobarge]

Text Message .....

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again.

The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbours text and saw he had another message:-

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway but as you saw my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ to "Wife". Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards Alan

[Mitsuru]

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2010 Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through
an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot
high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in
a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers
using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing..
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms
intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47
expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. So they lit a quarter
stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice
that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who
had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited,
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint
of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's
leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S--- happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

[Mitsuru]

[Mitsuru]

[Mitsuru]

[Minxy]

Are daytime TV phone-in competitions too easy?

A- Yes.

B- Wimbledon.

C- Archbishop Of Canterbury.

[Minxy]

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a gentleman her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, made himself comfortable, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I am sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Minxy]

What if global warming is a hoax and we clean up our air, our oceans, preserve rainforests, create millions of jobs and become energy independent for nothing?

[Minxy]

The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty.
I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once.
She's still not home yet either and I'm getting hungry....

[Minxy]

Those scientists proclaiming Graphene to be the thinnest black material ever developed have obviously never bought Aldi value bin liners...