Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Police have arrested a woman for stealing a sign reading "& Emergency". She claimed she found it by Accident...
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
I've got a 1970's BBC-themed advent calendar.
Every time I open a door, I have to shut it quickly and pretend I haven't seen anything.
Every time I open a door, I have to shut it quickly and pretend I haven't seen anything.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Me and my mate were out in the field behind the workshop this afternoon and we found a large hole. Looking down it we couldn't see the bottom. "I wonder how deep it is?" I said.
Tim said, "Drop a stone in and count the seconds before it hits the bottom - that'll be how many feet deep it is." So we look around for a stone and dropped it into the hole. Nothing happened. There was no sound at all. Tim said: "Try something bigger."
So I looked around and found a large rock and threw that into the hole, but there was still no sound. Tim said: "Lets find something really big."
We looked around and found a railway sleeper, which we dragged to the hole , dropped it in. Still nothing...
As we craned over the hole, there was a noise behind us. We turned in time to see this fookin goat charging directly towards us... head down ,sharp horns... Cripes! We just leapt out the way in time.. as the goat launched itself and it fell down the bloody hole!
A little while later, on our way home we met the farmer wandering around the wood. He came up to us and asked if we had seen a goat ."We have "said Tim. "Damn near was knocked into the deepest hole I ever saw .Lucky for us we got out of the way in time and the goat fell into the hole instead."
"Well that couldn't have been my goat," the farmer said. "I tied it to a railway sleeper...
Tim said, "Drop a stone in and count the seconds before it hits the bottom - that'll be how many feet deep it is." So we look around for a stone and dropped it into the hole. Nothing happened. There was no sound at all. Tim said: "Try something bigger."
So I looked around and found a large rock and threw that into the hole, but there was still no sound. Tim said: "Lets find something really big."
We looked around and found a railway sleeper, which we dragged to the hole , dropped it in. Still nothing...
As we craned over the hole, there was a noise behind us. We turned in time to see this fookin goat charging directly towards us... head down ,sharp horns... Cripes! We just leapt out the way in time.. as the goat launched itself and it fell down the bloody hole!
A little while later, on our way home we met the farmer wandering around the wood. He came up to us and asked if we had seen a goat ."We have "said Tim. "Damn near was knocked into the deepest hole I ever saw .Lucky for us we got out of the way in time and the goat fell into the hole instead."
"Well that couldn't have been my goat," the farmer said. "I tied it to a railway sleeper...
Re: Jokes thread
Good Question....
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man..
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Bradford, England, and still wearing all this sh1t?"
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man..
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Bradford, England, and still wearing all this sh1t?"
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
ADULT SCRABBLE: Rearrange the letters below to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more important when erect.
P N E S I.
People who wrote spine became doctors..
The rest are sadly the sort of people that are my friends!
P N E S I.
People who wrote spine became doctors..
The rest are sadly the sort of people that are my friends!
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
Re: Jokes thread
And they’re off !!
I refuse to buy food from Tesco because of all the additives they include.
I prefer mine Shergar free.
Is it a coincidence that 'HAMBURGERS' is an anagram of 'SHERGAR BUM' ?
After the horse burger scandal Tesco have refused to name their mane supplier
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse
Tesco, every little helps
Latest medical news:
If you eat Tesco burgers, you could end up with bowel canter
So horse meat has been found in Tesco burgers, what's next traces of zebra found in barcodes?
I had some Tesco burgers for dinner last night.
I've ended up with the trots.
Horsemeat has been found in burgers sold by stores including Tesco and Iceland.
A spokesman for Tesco said, 'We are working to ensure this does not happen again.'
A spokesman for Iceland said, 'We are proud to finally be selling burgers that actually have some meat in them.'
Health Officials have said that the Tesco burgers pose no health risk, except for the high sugar lump content.
Just got a batch of 200 Tesco beef burgers cheap, it only cost me a Pony
Which supermarket makes the best burgers?
I'd have to give it Tesco by a short head.
Top tip! nag running in the 3.20 tesco classic beef steaks at haydock called 'my dinner' i hope it doesn’t burger the race up
For a limited time only, trot down to McDonald's for the new "McDerby".
You'd be a foal to miss it.
"Beefburgers sold by Tesco and other supermarkets have been found to contain horse meat, it emerged last night."
At least they won't be on sale furlong.
So horse DNA has been found in burgers sold in UK Supermarkets.
Mcdonalds have launched an investigation into how their recipe was leaked.
Apparently Tescos withdrew their burgers voluntarily
They were not under orders
I went to tescos earlier to buy some burgers and they didnt have any baskets left, hold your horses..
A horse didn't walk into a bar because it was inside a bap
Went to Tesco for dinner earlier. It was surprisingly nice.
I went for the Leona Lewis with cheese.
Unexpected item in bagging area.
Yeah, a friggin' horse.
I refuse to buy food from Tesco because of all the additives they include.
I prefer mine Shergar free.
Is it a coincidence that 'HAMBURGERS' is an anagram of 'SHERGAR BUM' ?
After the horse burger scandal Tesco have refused to name their mane supplier
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse
Tesco, every little helps
Latest medical news:
If you eat Tesco burgers, you could end up with bowel canter
So horse meat has been found in Tesco burgers, what's next traces of zebra found in barcodes?
I had some Tesco burgers for dinner last night.
I've ended up with the trots.
Horsemeat has been found in burgers sold by stores including Tesco and Iceland.
A spokesman for Tesco said, 'We are working to ensure this does not happen again.'
A spokesman for Iceland said, 'We are proud to finally be selling burgers that actually have some meat in them.'
Health Officials have said that the Tesco burgers pose no health risk, except for the high sugar lump content.
Just got a batch of 200 Tesco beef burgers cheap, it only cost me a Pony
Which supermarket makes the best burgers?
I'd have to give it Tesco by a short head.
Top tip! nag running in the 3.20 tesco classic beef steaks at haydock called 'my dinner' i hope it doesn’t burger the race up
For a limited time only, trot down to McDonald's for the new "McDerby".
You'd be a foal to miss it.
"Beefburgers sold by Tesco and other supermarkets have been found to contain horse meat, it emerged last night."
At least they won't be on sale furlong.
So horse DNA has been found in burgers sold in UK Supermarkets.
Mcdonalds have launched an investigation into how their recipe was leaked.
Apparently Tescos withdrew their burgers voluntarily
They were not under orders
I went to tescos earlier to buy some burgers and they didnt have any baskets left, hold your horses..
A horse didn't walk into a bar because it was inside a bap
Went to Tesco for dinner earlier. It was surprisingly nice.
I went for the Leona Lewis with cheese.
Unexpected item in bagging area.
Yeah, a friggin' horse.
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
I was in the Tesco's café earlier and the waitress asked me if I wanted anything on my burger. I replied "yes, I'll have a fiver each way".
Understeer: when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Oversteer: when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower: how fast you hit the wall.
Torque: how far you take the wall with you.
Re: Jokes thread
I wondered why Tesco was selling their burgers for half price recently, but I try not to look a gift horse in the mouth.
I've heard runners eat Tesco burgers the night before a marathon, because then they can really hoof it.
The new Tesco deep-fried burgers are thoroughly-breaded.
I wish my roommate would buy something other than Tesco burgers like everyone else. I hate just going along with the herd.
I've heard runners eat Tesco burgers the night before a marathon, because then they can really hoof it.
The new Tesco deep-fried burgers are thoroughly-breaded.
I wish my roommate would buy something other than Tesco burgers like everyone else. I hate just going along with the herd.
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!
Re: Jokes thread
"FOR SALE A FULL SET OF ENCYCLOPAEDIA"
Very good condition as hardly used.
Good reason for sale, as I married someone
who knows F**KING everything!
Very good condition as hardly used.
Good reason for sale, as I married someone
who knows F**KING everything!
I'm Diabetic,& disabled BUT!! NOT DEAD YET!!