Practically Classics Forum

I walked up to a girl in a pub and said, "You look like somebody who
has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take
you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."

She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."

"Good, I'm glad I've got his support."

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a prostitute standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the prostitute became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the prostitute's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they neared the prostitute's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the prostitute yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

You are playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match
is halved at the end of 17 holes. You have the honour and hit your ball a modest
250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent
then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead
and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the
time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods:
"I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the
ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than
six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it, or do you keep your mouth shut?

It all makes sense now.
Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized the same day.
Leviticus 20:13 – "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."
We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

A petition for Scotland to be granted independence has attracted over 1 million signatures.

And that's just from England.

Some people are so sensitive! I just complimented one of my colleagues on their Movember effort and she just burst in to tears.

50 Sheds of Grey....

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on that auction site.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her JLS CD

I found her lying naked on the shed floor, covered in rose petals.
'What do you think?' she purred.
'Not sure,' I said, 'Could be greenfly.'

'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.'
'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

'Drive me wild!' she begged.
'I know exactly what you mean,' I thought, 'Knowsley Safari Park, here we come!'

'Give it to me now and give it to me hard!' she begged.
'Alright,' I said, 'But I still think a Viennetta's better when it's defrosted.'

'So,' I asked, 'Do you prefer to be on top or underneath?'
'I'm not sure,' she said, 'I didn't expect you to have a bunk bed in your shed.'

Each firm stroke was bringing me closer and closer to that moment of relief and satisfaction.
Soon my shed would be completely weatherproof.

She said she wanted to be an internet porn star,
so we left the shed door open and waited for the google streetview van . . .

The black leather didn't worry me. Or the heavy breathing.
But I must admit I was a bit concerned when she said, 'Luke, I am your father.'

Shed builders don't like to boast but I had to admit it wasn't the first time I'd had to get planning permission for one of my erections.

'Mmmm . . that's so good,' she sighed, 'You know just how I like it.'
'Of course I do,' I grinned, 'Milk, two sugars.'

We were so excited we raced home and made the beast with two backs.
It should have been a coffee table but that's Ikea instructions for you.

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I CAN'T park the bloody car! You do it, you smug b*stard !

Amazon Product Review:

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...