Britain's New Navy
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, health and safety, and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own industrial tribunal.
The crew ratio will be 50/50 men and women, balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexual preference and disability. Sailors will have to work only a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Brussels Health and Safety rules, even in wartime. All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the fleet, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and ratings' messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "rum, sodomy and the lash", so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced with sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on noticeboards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, and this applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag has already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque, who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will glide gently into the water as the band of the Royal Marines plays "In The Navy" by The Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Channel from France to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels".
His final words were "Britannia waives the rules"
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
For those who rely on these things - note well!
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
(I Have a Spelling Checker)
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss Steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
A chequer is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime.
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
(I Have a Spelling Checker)
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss Steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
A chequer is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime.
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
This says it all:-
Pythagoras’ Theorem….…….………….…..24 words.
The Lord’s Prayer…………….…..…..……..66 words.
Archimedes’ Principle…………..…………..67 words.
The Ten Commandments….…..………….179 words.
Gettysburg address……………..…………286 words.
U.S. declaration of Independence ………1300 words.
U.S. Constitution with all 27 Amendments……….….7818 words.
E.U.regulations on the sale of CABBAGES………26,911 Words!!!!
Pythagoras’ Theorem….…….………….…..24 words.
The Lord’s Prayer…………….…..…..……..66 words.
Archimedes’ Principle…………..…………..67 words.
The Ten Commandments….…..………….179 words.
Gettysburg address……………..…………286 words.
U.S. declaration of Independence ………1300 words.
U.S. Constitution with all 27 Amendments……….….7818 words.
E.U.regulations on the sale of CABBAGES………26,911 Words!!!!
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
I just saw on the BBC news that Stephen Hawking has reached 70. Must've been a steep hill.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Just read that the new film 'The Iron Lady' is a 12a, so not suitable for miners...
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Four brothers left home and became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mum."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand pound cinema built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mum loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mum sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge; I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Mark, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive cinema with Dolby sound that could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead; I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind so I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious.
Thank you,
Mum."
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mum."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand pound cinema built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mum loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mum sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge; I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Mark, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive cinema with Dolby sound that could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead; I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind so I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious.
Thank you,
Mum."
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Burglar robbed Celebrity Big Brother House last night. Victims are yet to be identified.....
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Here's the first cruise liner joke.....
A man phones an airfix model shop an says
"have u got a model of an italian cruise liner?" "yes" replies the owner.
"thats great" says the man "can u put it to one side for me?"
A man phones an airfix model shop an says
"have u got a model of an italian cruise liner?" "yes" replies the owner.
"thats great" says the man "can u put it to one side for me?"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Liverpool's economy has been downgraded to AAA Calm Down.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
April 14Th 1912:
MAN: "Women and children only please."
25 years ago:
WOMAN: "Women want sex equality"
15 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women to fight sexism"
5 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women winning on sex equality"
3 days ago:
WOMAN: "It was unbelievable, men were trying to get into the lifeboats before women"
MAN: "Women and children only please."
25 years ago:
WOMAN: "Women want sex equality"
15 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women to fight sexism"
5 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women winning on sex equality"
3 days ago:
WOMAN: "It was unbelievable, men were trying to get into the lifeboats before women"
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.