Jokes thread

[rich.]

2013 EUROPE:
John Cleese's, take on the current state of Europe.
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person........................
And as a final thought - Greece & Cyprus are collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

[TerryG]

Typical wallmart customers (don't open if you are eating)
http://beartales.me/2013/01/14/the-late ... lmartians/

[Minxy]

So Ian Brady wants the right to be able to kill himself.

Why don't the prison services tell him there is a gun buried in the jail somewhere, but don't tell him where it is?

[Minxy]

You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore......

[Minxy]

A couple are lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary.

The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.

She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He cleared his throat, looked at her and said, "I found the remote."

[Minxy]

I took my Grandad to one of these Spas where the little fish eat all of the dead skin.

It cost £55.

But it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

[Minxy]

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?” says the hippie.

"Yeah!” say the bus driver.
"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray.
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of
that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the
cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself
to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a
flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

[Ian]

I went into a shop today and said 'I'd like to buy a watch' the assistant asked 'analogue?' I said 'no just a watch'

I was taking the M5 out of Worcester this afternoon and the man said 'oi put it back'

I heard a man playing dancing queen on his didgeridoo, I thought 'that's Abbariginal'

I went to the butchers and he said 'I bet you £10 you can't reach those two bits of meat' I said 'I'm not betting' he asked 'why not?' I said 'the stakes are too high'

I sent my wife a huge pile of snow, so I rung her up and asked 'd'you get my drift?'

My next door neighbor worships car exhausts, he's a Catholic Converter

[Luxobarge]

Alcohol and calculus don't mix, so don't drink and derive.

[Luxobarge]

I hate all bad jokes, but jokes about German sausages are the wurst.