Jokes thread

[megadethmaniac]

Oscar gave new meaning to taking your girlfriend out on valentines day...

[Ian]

A hearse was going up a really steep hill to a graveyard but on reaching the brow, the driver stalled the car causing the tailgate to fly open and the coffin to go flying out of the back, down the hill, through the town and straight into a chemist shop. As the coffin hit the counter the lid shot open and the corpse stood bolt upright.
'What can I do for you ?' asked the pharmacist
The corpse replied 'do you have anything to stop this coffin?'

[JPB]

Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.

[Mitsuru]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'


The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him . . . .

[megadethmaniac]

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not **** in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

[Ian]

Rod Stewart was apparently lined up to sing at Baroness Thatchers funeral. However 'Wake up Maggie' was deemed insensitive and inappropriate

[JPB]

When Thatcher arrived at the gates of Hell she was met by Jimmy Savile.

He asked "So, Mrs T, what are you here for?"

Mrs T replied "for shafting miners back in the '80s."

"Well there's a coincidence" said Savile...

[Phil P]

A tramp spots a woman standing on the edge of a cliff. He walks up to her said, "Any chance of a shag love?"

She replied, "Go away you horrible nasty man!"

The tramp said, "Ok then I'll go and wait at the bottom!"

[arceye]

Subject: THE DYING PRIEST


In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.


He motioned for his nurse to come near. Yes, Father? said the nurse.

I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die, whispered the priest.

I’ll see what I can do, Father, replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images.
Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took David’s hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The old priest slowly said: I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Amen, said David
Amen, said Nick

The old priest continued, Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards; and I would like to do the same....

[Luxobarge]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress, thinking this behavious was a bit risqué and might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."