Jokes thread

[Minxy]

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a sprained wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently, she stood him up.

[Minxy]

Just got one of those Jehovah’s Witness advent calendars.

Every time I open a door someone tells me to piss off…

[Minxy]

[Minxy]

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both
legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory
to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his face over by the holy water," said the boy.

[Martin Evans]

A man decided to rob a bank. As he burst into the banking hall, he mask slipped but he quickly put it back on. Pointing his gun at the customers, he asked the first one “Did you see my face?” The customer said “Yes” and the robber shot him. The robber asked the next customer “Did you see my face?” and the customer, pointing to the woman standing next to him, said “No but my wife did”.

[Mitsuru]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Mom’s!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was still cold.

What the hell is she talking about?
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Just had my garage broken into, they stole 200 cans of red Bull.............

How do these f'ers sleep at night?

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My next door neighbour just confronted me about stealing her underwear off her washing line.......

I nearly filled her pants!!

[Luxobarge]

Love Story:

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,


The Flu.

[Luxobarge]

[Luxobarge]

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes

[Minxy]

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack?

Man: £10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your bloody Ferrari then?