Confession #1
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The Priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The Priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The Priest, who was watching, quickly ran to him saying,
'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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Confession #2
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The Priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said,
'Last night Luxobarge made mad passionate love to me, seven times.'
The Priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice slowly-slowly.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The Priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face...'
Jokes thread
Re: Jokes thread
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Phillop
Philippe Phillop
Some people are like Slinkies - they serve no useful purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them downstairs.
Re: Jokes thread
My wife and I did some patient / nurse role play last night, I didn't enjoy it, I was sat in the hallway for three hours reading old Bellas.............
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
It's Afro Caribbean hair day at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law. It's my P.S. de resistance.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.
It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view.
When will the madness end?
It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view.
When will the madness end?
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
Dread and fear built up inside me as I watched my wife at the hospital, struggling.
Beep............ beep......... beep........ beep....... beep...... beep..... beep.... beep... beep.. beep. beep. beep. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Then nothing.
A voice broke the silence, "I'm really sorry".
"It's ok", I replied, sadness and rage overwhelming me in equal measure. What had I done to deserve this? Why do these things happen to good people?
Anyway, her checkup was fine and I had the bumper replaced the next day.
Beep............ beep......... beep........ beep....... beep...... beep..... beep.... beep... beep.. beep. beep. beep. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Then nothing.
A voice broke the silence, "I'm really sorry".
"It's ok", I replied, sadness and rage overwhelming me in equal measure. What had I done to deserve this? Why do these things happen to good people?
Anyway, her checkup was fine and I had the bumper replaced the next day.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
A recent report said that 60% of 14 year old girls in Liverpool, regularly binge drink. That's absolutely disgusting!
Who's looking after their kids?
Who's looking after their kids?
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.
Re: Jokes thread
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
Never play chess with a pigeon. It will knock all the pieces over, S*#t on the board and then strut around pretending it won.