Jokes thread

[TriumphDriver]

I was walking home the other day when I thought I spotted a mass grave for snowmen... then I realised it was a field of carrots...

[Dave3066]

Worst pub I've ever been to has to be The Fiddlers..... it was a vile inn.........

[TriumphDriver]

A very attractive woman is walking down the street on a dark night when a man approaches her out of an alley.
"Hey miss" he shouts "will you let me bite your breasts?"
"No I will not" she replies angrily.
"Will you let me bite them for £100?" he asks.
"No!" she replies.
"What about £1000?" he asks.
"No" she replies, getting angry.
"What about letting me bite them for £10, 000?" he offers.
The woman thinks about it and then agrees.
They go into the alley where she produces a pair of perfect breasts. He then spends a good ten minutes rubbing, licking and sucking them.
Finally she gets impatient. "Are you going to bite them or not?"
"No." the man replies. "Too expensive."

[Minxy]

A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits. The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader, 'Watch out for the benefit claimant he wants your biscuit'

[Minxy]

Apparently Tony Blair has called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down.

The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal, before Gaddafi could even get a word in.

[Minxy]

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".

The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

[Minxy]

The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it" she said.

"I don't know what you mean," I replied. "Come on, luv, sit down and let's talk about it."

That's when I pulled her chair away.

[TriumphDriver]

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for chips at Hallowe'en

[Minxy]

The Hawaiian surf championships have been won in controversial circumstances by a Japanese man in a wardrobe.

[Minxy]

There is a popular new board game in the shops, called Big Society Cluedo. It’s easier than ordinary Cluedo because there’s no library.